Numb & Confused

I woke up this morning feeling excited and hopeful.
It took all of ten minutes for those emotions to be changed into pain and disappointment.
Sitting here now all I want to do is cry, yet my body just seems to be stuck.
Every emotion is numb and I cant even let out the pain that I know is inside.
I honestly feel like I will never truly be able to be happy.
I don't know what happiness even feels like.
Happiness is an emotion that I haven't felt in so long.
I don't even know how to be happy.
And all everyone says is maybe this is a time for you to find yourself.
WTF is with this finding yourself bullshit?
There's nothing to find.
I'm lonely, emotional, stressed, tired, aggravated.
There's nothing that I can do to make myself happy.
I can drink and smoke until I'm happy and smiling but all the drugs do is make me think about everything and everyone.
And all the liquor does is make me want people that I can't have or that have hurt me.
So what exactly is it that I need to do?
People say ... "You like to write, why don't you do that"?
Because when I write its normally about pain.
So really what good it that going to do for me on my road to happiness?

I want to scream.
I want to cry.
I want to die.

I really just want to be happy and in love.
2 things that are cursed in my life.

Really wish there was a quick escape from this pain.