Safe

Safe in your arms is how I feel when you hold me close at night
Night is restless without you there to safeguard me from harm
Harm being all around my heart and mind
Mind racing with so many thoughts I cant even process one at a time
Time seems to be speeding by but I dont know where im headed
Headed into your arms is all that I wish for
For me to not have been so dumb to walk away when you were the one
One of the only people whos ever gotten over that wall that I build around my emotions
Emotions have always controlled my life and caused confusion
Confusion is something that with you seems to all get sorted out
Out of this cycle of self pity and sadness is all what I pray for
For you to be my one and only is what I push for everyday
Everyday when I left you I used to think I wanted or needed more and in actuality all I wanted was you
You being this amazing person that can make me feel like everything will be good
Good inside is how I feel when im with you because with you anything seems possible
Possibly, hopefully one day we will build a family together
Together happily and in love is what I strive for when im with you
You are my priortiy, you keep my sane, you keep me safe
Safe in your arms is where I want to stay.

Realization

There was a time where I thought my choice was a wise one
Yet as I look at you now I cant help but think that I made a mistake
You are truly an amazing man that has nothing but my best interests at heart
When I look into your eyes I can feel the love that you feel for me
As I lay in your arms I feel so safe and secure like no one and nothing can touch me
Even if something does go wrong I am sure that as long as you are by my side everything will be okay
And even if it is not okay in time as long as we stick together we will make it through
Maybe my fear of hurt or failure led me to run away from you
I made excuses for why things ended that honestly I don't think were the problems
It wasn't you that was the issue it was me and my mental road blocks
I don't know ...
But looking back now I guess the saying "you never know until you try" fits
I cant let my fear of failure stop me from living my life and being happy
So now I want to work out all of my little issues within myself and truly give you the love and compassion that you deserve
You are truly a wonderful man and I know one day you will be a great husband and father and provider and lover
From this second forward I promise to do my part in ensuring that we end up together and happily.
I truly do love you I just need to fall head over heels for you and give you the love you deserve.

Until next time.

Numb & Confused

I woke up this morning feeling excited and hopeful.
It took all of ten minutes for those emotions to be changed into pain and disappointment.
Sitting here now all I want to do is cry, yet my body just seems to be stuck.
Every emotion is numb and I cant even let out the pain that I know is inside.
I honestly feel like I will never truly be able to be happy.
I don't know what happiness even feels like.
Happiness is an emotion that I haven't felt in so long.
I don't even know how to be happy.
And all everyone says is maybe this is a time for you to find yourself.
WTF is with this finding yourself bullshit?
There's nothing to find.
I'm lonely, emotional, stressed, tired, aggravated.
There's nothing that I can do to make myself happy.
I can drink and smoke until I'm happy and smiling but all the drugs do is make me think about everything and everyone.
And all the liquor does is make me want people that I can't have or that have hurt me.
So what exactly is it that I need to do?
People say ... "You like to write, why don't you do that"?
Because when I write its normally about pain.
So really what good it that going to do for me on my road to happiness?

I want to scream.
I want to cry.
I want to die.

I really just want to be happy and in love.
2 things that are cursed in my life.

Really wish there was a quick escape from this pain.

The beginning of my journey to "Find Myself"

People say all the time, "Maybe you need to take some time off to find yourself".
But what does that really mean?
You've been with yourself your whole life so what exactly is it that you have to find?
And how exactly do we go about finding it?
There's no map to our emotions or any guide to our hearts.
Things just happen in our lives that bring us to the crossroads we encounter.
 I want to be happy.
I want to wake up happy and smiling.
But life doesn't really work that way with me.
I don't wake up happy or smiling.
I wake up annoyed or emotional and these feelings are just there.
I don't know why my emotions regulate my life, but for as long as I can remember there have been times where I'm fine one minute and the next for no reason I'm just there.
With either no emotion or a wave of emotions crashing down.
 It's weird because I don't want to be that person but when I feel that way there's nothing I can do to change my feelings.
I just have to wait for it to go away.
So now how exactly do I "find myself" if I'm not even able to sort out my own emotions and thoughts?

Hate Being Alive

HATE the way little things alter the way that I FEEL

FEELING hurt so deep that I just want to get a knife and cut out every inch of that PAIN

PAIN that`s so strong it overpowers my senses while allowing gallons of adrenaline to FLOW

FLOWING all over my body, creating an urge for me to hurt MYSELF

MYSELF being the only one who can truly understand the pain and hurt that`s INSIDE

INSIDE  there`s a mess of emotions that even I can`t organize or get a hold OF

OF course I am angry, of course I don`t care, what do people EXPECT

EXPECTING to wake up one day to find that this has just been a six year long NIGHTMARE

NIGHTMARES wake me up in the middle of the night that seem so real it takes me a few minutes to snap out of it and convince my mind OTHERWISE

OTHERWISE id go crazy because these thoughts in my mind can get so overwhelming sometimes it feels like it will never END

ENDING these feelings of anger, despair, pain, sadness and so much more is my biggest goal in LIFE

LIFE seems to be taking over ME

ME being the person that I see when I look into the mirror and HATE

HATE being the force that is driving me MAD

MAD that i am ALIVE

ALIVE is what i HATE

Love & Marriage

Love unconditional forever you both now possess
Overwhelming joy and passion that will surely progress
Visions of growing old together now run through your mind
Everlasting love like yours is beautiful and one of a kind

&

Memories together that you will capture in many ways
Adventures and stories that go on for days
Real love is yours forever so keep it close to your heart 
Remember your vows, till death do you part
In starting a new family that you both will help grow
All of your love and dedication is sure to show
Growing closer to each other each day that you share
Each continuing to show how much you dearly for the other love and care

When I ...

When I hear your voice .. Found on my face is the cheesiest smile

When I feel your touch ... Found on my face is an expression of desire

When I kiss your lips ... Found on my face is a longing for more

When I close my eyes ... Found in my mind are thoughts of you

When you tell me you love me ... Found in my heart is my one and only YOU

Searching for an Escape

Excessive adrenaline rushes through me
Causing me to want to feel pain
Cutting once, then more and more
Until my composure I once again regain

Staring at it now I feel a release
My breathing starts to adjust
Sitting, thinking about all of the betrayal
Loved ones, ones I thought I could trust

Its weird, without the blood i`m not satisfied
Feeling like Ive failed to achieve my goal
I have a need to see the blood pour
In order to feel like I have freed my soul

So I go again, trying to gain freedom
This time going deeper until I see red
Cutting more and more, this time pushing harder
Not having a care about dying or being dead

Or what if I was found dead
Then they`d know I needed help
The same help they refused to provide
When I would sit and cream, cry and yelp

Now I see the aftermath and smile
Making me feel like a weirdo or a freak
Well at least that`s what other people see me as
Not realizing an escape is all that I truly seek

And ill continue seeking until I find it
Continue screaming until someone listens not just hears
Continue it all like I have done so much before
Continue like I have done for more than four years

Numb

In my mind the choices Ive made felt right
Yet why is it that since Ive made them restlessness is all I feel at night

My intentions were never to cause anyone pain
Yet that's what Ive done and feelings of sorrow I did gain

They say good things come to those who wait
But should we really sit back and wait or take hold of our own fate

My body's in motion but my insides are numb
Did I really do the right thing or were my decisions dumb

One part of me wants to let it out and with my emotions start dealing
But the other part of me wants of my feelings to start concealing

What do you do when you feel stuck and like there's no right way to go
What do you do when the sorrow in your heart is all that your face will show

I can't hide the fact that my insides are tearing apart more and more each day
So I lay back and drink and smoke the pain away

But that's only a temporary solution
My insides are still numb and I'm adding to my body's pollution

Confusion

I feel so confused ...

Confused about the path in which my life will take
Confused about how love can end up so painful when it was once so great
Confused about his inability to be a faithful man
Confused to the point where my own thoughts I can`t even withstand

Confusion fills my head all throughout the day
Confusion has my actions unsure of which way is the right way
Confusion because of a man who himself is confused
Confusion since I am unsure if I am being used

My mind is bewildered
My heart is in pain
My soul is slowly dying
I am so sick of playing this game

I am so sick of being confused
When I know this situation is not my fault
Just so sick of getting played
Letting myself feel sad and distraught

It has gotten to the point where I cant even cry
My body just gets stiff, hands gets sweaty and heart gets numb
How many times have I been hurt by you before
Why even cry? Just pick myself up and to this pain not succumb

The confusion will not beat me
For I am stronger than this mess
It is time to move forward
Get my life back and towards something greater I shall progress

Taking A Stand

The whole time we were together
You were always doing your dirt
Never worrying about the fact
That I was the one getting hurt

Now for the first time
I have taken a stand
But how come I am the bad guy
And my actions you don`t understand

I tried to make it work
But you didnt seem to care
Because the love that you had
You thought it was yours to share

I was supposed to be your queen
Your one and only
But it was all a joke
And yours words were phony

My love will never change
But to be with you I can not do
Because when I needed your love
You were only thinking about you

You say everyone leaves you
Well maybe thats a sign
That from your old ways
You need to resign

Take this as a lesson learned
For future girls to come
Think about your actions first
And try not to act so dumb

Because you`ll end up all alone
With no one to love
The only one there
Will be our god above

Don`t take this wrong
I will still be by your side
Even if you cant see my love
You will feel it on the inside

Remember my words
And don`t take them in vain
I am showing that I care
Not trying to cause you pain